Consider the ‘Stache Bashed

‘Stache Bash 2007 was a piping success. As always, Jon Wolanske, our fearless M4K SF leader, was a hoot to listen to on stage as the DJ for the night, reeling off mustache monologues and quips after each contestant showed their stuff. We had a guy who’d been growing a sketchy good Jack Sparrow mustache in San Francisco for the last 10 years, a judge who’d been sporting his ’stache and hat for 35 years, and 35 done-up mustache contestants.

Round 1 was a stage-walk for each grower as Jon read off their self-written bio. I decided to go as Justin Timberstache, proclaiming that the time for sex symbols to get by with sub-par facial growth is over. Others chose themes such as Ron Burgundy of Anchor Man, the Prince symbol, a welder, Mr. Myagi, “The Stache Infection”, and several different shady incarnations of slimy sexpots and freakshows. It was bliss. The winner was this guy who wore lots of bright colors and hankerchiefs and acted like he’d been bitten by a rabid squirrel just before the show. In round 2, when he had to kiss the hand of a female volunteer from the audience, he took her hand and rapidly shifted his nose up and down her arm before laying on a long, freakish kiss. In the final round, he belted out his “Stache-ku” (like a haiku, except with a mustache-theme rather than nature) with extra punch, like his life depended on the delivery.

For my part, I made it to the second round (after they forgot my number and led me to believe I’d failed to pass round 1) before falling victim to the pressure. Round 2 was a three-part test. First you had to answer a random question from Jon, the host. He asked me something like, “what is your mustache’s biggest fear.” My answer, keeping with the JT theme, was “being called ‘un-sexy’”. Next, we had to kiss the hand of the female audience volunteer, who would then give the judges one word to describe the experience. Previous attempts had gotten mostly lukewarm reactions, with one older guy getting his kiss described simply with the word, “Dad”. Trying to avoid being too over-the-top and using my sexy-back persona a bit, I gave her a straight-forward slow kiss on the hand and got the reaction, “Hot”. Sadly, I blew it in the final test of round 2, when we had to take a sip of a Guinness and show how much foam our mustache had retained. I knew from last year that this round would come and had practiced a few times before the show. However, in the heat of the moment, I forgot everything I’d learned about taking a small sip and quickly shifting my lip upward to keep the foam on the ’stache while turning to the judges, then the crowd. I threw caution and sense to the wind with this one, dunking my face in the frothy beer and whipping my head around like a madman, turning to the volunteer instead of the judges. Realizing my stache was anything but foamy, I even went in for another dunk, before finally turning to the judges and the crowd. Dripping with despair and shame, the cheers and smiles I’d gotten from the audience after the question and the kiss had been replaced with disappointment-stares and disinterest. I turned to Jon as I walked off stage, who could do nothing but give me a look that said “better luck next year, Mr. dribble-face”.

So, the Mustaches for Kids 2007 Stache Bash and month-long growing competition for the youth is now over. We’ve all got 11 months to evaluate what we’ve learned, regroup, and train our upper lips to punch out hair follicles with ever more speed and determination. I raised over $200 more than last year, the competition grew by at least 10 competitors, the kids of the Breakthrough Collaborative are in much better shape than before they brushed whiskers with the mysteriously ’stached men of San Francisco. Another day, another way to make the world a better place.